If you are just joining us, we’re going through eight pointers (pun intended) for living with breasts. If you haven’t read part 1,
you’ll want to head over there and read that first. We’ll see ya when you get back!
When Your Breasts Gotta Code Switch
(Sidebar: This is a linguistic term meaning the alternating of two or more languages, usually within the same conversation. But if you didn’t already know what code switching is, you are probably white, and you’re going to need to do some additional work after you figure out this boob thing. You got it. Keep learning.)
Ok, ladies, this one is pretty straightforward. If your breasts are big, you’re going to need to minimize that abundance in certain situations. This shouldn’t be too hard to figure out but here’s a quick cheat sheet if you need help figuring out when and where to minimize that rack…
- If you are walking alone at night
- If you are walking alone during the day
- If you are walking with friends, day or night
- If you are walking down the sidewalk and there are cars on the street that might have men in them who might be capable of rolling down their windows
- If you are hiking, jogging or just being a human alone and see a man on the trail or in the park
- If your breasts are so big that they threaten men because they take up too much space. Remember that space is reserved for men. You’ve got to stay small, girl. Pull that chest in (But not too far. Gotta stay sexy).
On the flip side, if you don’t have much up top, no worries. You can totally fake it if you want. Here’s your list for how to code switch…
- Learn how to push those babies out, girl. Butt out, back arched, chest forward.
- Look into your bra options. Your larger-busted friends don’t get to mess around. They’ve got to go in for strength and support and not much else. But you’ve got more wiggle room… literally. There are basic push-ups, gel push-ups, molded and non-molded push-ups, removable mold push-ups, plunge push-ups and even push-up extremes which promise to “increase” your bust size by a full cup.
- Hold up, though. Don’t forgot that once you look like you’ve got bigger boobs — even though you don’t — you’re going to need to refer to the section above and pull back a bit when your circumstances call for it. Try to keep up.
See, here’s the thing: According to research, the ideal cup size according to men in the United States is a C cup. After that, some are down for a D cup and some for a B. But that’s really about it. And since there are a lot of women in the U.S. who fall outside those stringent perimeters, there are a lot of women who are going to need to code switch with their breasts and you might be one of them.
Taking Matters into Your Own Hands
(Or: Should I Get a Boob Job?)
In 2015 there was an ad campaign by a group called DOCTORS Plastic Surgery with banner ads on subways and city buses in New York City. It depicted a thin white woman in a tank top holding a pair of tangerines in front of her breasts. She is pouting. Next to that there is an image of the same woman smiling. This time she is holding grapefruits in front of her breasts. The tagline reads: “Breast Augmentation (fancy phrase for “boob job.” Sounds better. Less sleazy) Made In New York — $3900.”
What does that ad campaign tell us? You’re smart. You already know what it tells us; that grapefruit-sized breasts are better than tangerine-sized ones. Now, you and I know, intellectually at least, that this isn’t true but it’s hard to hold the line sometimes, isn’t it? I guarantee that at some point each and every one of us has wondered if a different size might be better. I mean, how could you not with advertisements like that? I understand. I’ve been there. But when you find yourself looking in the mirror and imagining what you would look like if you could lop your breasts off altogether or putting tissue in your bra to beef up that bulk, here are some things to consider so you know what you would be getting yourself into:
Females accounted for 92% (yes, that’s a LOT) of all cosmetic procedures in the United States in 2016 and the number one procedure was — surprise, surprise — breast augmentation. The United States has the highest breast augmentation rates in the world. American women collectively forked out over one billion dollars last year for breast enhancements (That’s more than the government spent on funding organic fruits and vegetables. By a lot).
But contrary to the New York City advertisement, typical implant surgery actually costs roughly five to ten thousand dollars after all is said and done, not thirty-nine hundred. The implants themselves will last about twenty years, give or take. But then your tatas will need additional attention and/or replacement, which is usually more costly and complicated due to the buildup of scar tissue from the first surgery. Risks for both surgeries include bleeding, infection, leaking, rupturing, kinking of breast tissue, pain, and loss of sensation.
Ready for Part Three?
We’re going to talk about catcalls (fun!) and more on advertising!
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