An (In)Complete Guide to Having Breasts*: A Woman’s Cup Compendium

Part 1

• aka Jugs, Melons, Knockers, Titties, Hooters, Headlights (No, no, these terms aren’t used by women. These are only for men)

If you are a woman (and if you are, hi! hello! this guide is for you! — Men, you are also welcome here! When I use the term “men” in this guide, you understand that I don’t mean ALL men. I’m sure YOU have never done any of the things described here), you have something in common with almost all women everywhere. That is to say that you have breasts.

Or you will have them someday (I see you, tween readers). Now, some of you have exceptionally large ones (like, whoa) while others of you have breasts that stopped growing almost before they even started. But either way, grow they did (or will), and every woman needs a guide; a helpmate, if you will, on the path of estrogen-fueled fat growth (that’s what happens, btw, when your breasts start to grow). To that end, I offer you these eight pointers (pun intended) for living with breasts.

Before we begin, however, you might be wondering about my qualifications. What makes me uniquely suited to be your guide for the journey? It’s simple, really. I have breasts. Not only that but I used to have pretty big ones. We’re not talking double J’s or anything. They weren’t even large enough…